... I feel like I am stuck in the waves.

I can't seem to find my way up
One wave knocks me down another
comes and keeps me under
I'm finding it hard to find
a place to breathe
a moment of air, of freedom, of peace.
A letter is a piece of paper so why
does it determine my future
how can something so small and so
ordinary possibly decide my fate of six
months in the future.

This is about how I feel right now. I am incredibly lost and confused about what might happen when I mail off my letter tomorrow. I just pray God will keep watch over it and provide the people who will review my case with the wisdom to make the correct decision. I can't sleep, I keep giving myself asthma attacks from stress, and I am beginning to start getting sick - like my stomach. I just need this to be done soon. I really need to find my peace and quite time. I need my oboe to get here now... maybe the music will help me sort through my jumbled thoughts...

I guess what I am saying is I
just need a friend. I just
need a hand from someone
looking in. I know there is light
out there somewhere, I have seen
it all before, but for now it just the
dark of night holding me tight.
I know you'll find me, if I just can
focus on what I need. If I just can focus
on the purpose for which I am sitting here.
There has to be something, that I
am not seeing. Something beyond this last
wave crashing over and pushing me away from
all those who see.

ps. I decided that I am facing my fears and I am going to enter a song or two into a songwriters contest. Also my school has an arts contest that I am going to make a music video for... Those of you who have read/heard my music do ya'll have any suggestions on which ones I should use/think about using.

love you all!
Philippians 4:12-13

christina nicole

... I can learn to be me

So recently one of my dearest friends lost her grandfather and it brought back so many memories of my grandpa. I tried not to think about it cause I was with here and her family to be with them and help in whatever way I could... but I couldn't help it. My "papaw" as we called him was the one person who loved me for everything I was, and I know he is up in heaven and watching me grow into who I want to be. Papaw was never someone I had to impress, and I never felt that I had to earn his love. He was always there with open arms, always asking about what I was doing and he showed me that he cared about everything I did! I was in 2nd grade when he passed and I remember all of this. It blows me away. He was/is the one person that I don't feel like I have to impress and as crazy as it sounds I heard him last night. We were driving down to Tampa and I was just restless so I started praying and I just kinda said "God I need to talk to Grandpa for a minute" and I know it sounds crazy but he was there, I know he was, and even if it was God all I could here was "I am so incredibly proud of you!" I just needed to hear it from someone... anyways the purpose of this blog wasn't to make you go "aww poor Cricket" but it is more of a reassurance to myself. It's the beginning of stepping over my past stumbling block. I'm beginning to realize that I can't live in the past, I have to move on, and I have to learn to be me! It's a long road but I have someone who knows all the answers :)

I have to move on
I have to stand on my own two feet
I can’t continue to live in my fears
I have to move on, beyond you and me

I’m sorry it just can’t be any other way
I will always love you
But for now I have to move on
I have to learn to be me

I will never be perfect
And the hurts I have gained may never go away
But I can learn to forgive
I’ll get there someday

I’m sorry that it just can’t be any other way
Remember I will always love you
I have to go on and leave this be
I have to move on and learn to be me.

I can’t turn back time
And I can’t make you change
I hope one day you learn
that you can't change me, this is who I want to be

but for now just remember I'm sorry
sorry that it can never work
that I can’t be there and I can't be perfect
I’ll learn to live and I’ll learn to cope

I have to live my own life
Turn my world inside out
And stop living in my past
I have to stand up
I have to move on
I have to learn to just be me

Christina Nicole

... I can watch it all happen.

So I finally moved in with Matt and Rita in Tampa. It's odd cause I feel in the way sometimes but what was awesome was getting to spend time with their families. Especially Rita's! I can't help but feel loved when I am around them. I have been blessed with a very dysfunctional family (don't get me wrong it isn't easy but I love them all the same) and now I somehow have become apart of something I have never deserved! This weekend first of all they let me carpool with them... doesn't seem like a lot to most but it was just the start. Then for the second time they paid for all my meals and Mama Dailey even bought me a magnet from the Florida Aquarium Today. So maybe it doesn't mean a lot to anyone else but to be apart of something that functions, something that isn't falling apart somehow helps to put me back together.

Here are some of the things I observed this weekend. #1 Devin and Rita's relationship. Probably one of the relationships I am most jealous of. Not only do they love each other, but they have pride in the other one. And even though they joke and stuff they both care a lot. One of my favorite parts of this week was definitely hanging out with Devin while Rita was at Orientation. All day you could hear how proud of his sister he was. We toured the arts department and just talked while running errands but a good bit of our conversations ended up on the subject of her. And then when we all were in the car together he was asking questions about what classes she was taking and other stuff to do with her school... he cared enough to ask, he wanted to know EVERYTHING. I have never seen that before and most definitely have not experienced it. Something I hope to one day find.

Then her mom and dad. Always making sure I was there. Always making sure that my allergies weren't bothering me, or that I could find something to eat at the restaurant no matter the cost. Then there was one time I looked up at dinner and her Dad was looking at me and smiling. I have no idea why or even if he was smiling at me but I just had a warm feeling. I watched them look over their kids and talked with them and everything just dripped love...

I don't really know what all of this means or why I felt like writing about this, but something inside me can't help but smile when I think about it... more to come in the next few days!

"Let Love be the only thing they can see"

Christina Nicole

...I find Peace again!

So as much as I have tried to disguise it, I have been a mess the past two weeks. Peace was not something that I could get a hold of! Well, after a week of my best friend literally having no communication with me I got a hold of myself and faced the nature of the beast... that beast being miscommunication. After a long talk everything is great again, so much has to be done but I can't wait to see what is ahead.

Also, with the whole moving thing I had two dates in my head. Aug 2nd and July 20th. I have been trying to decide which day and really praying about(as I watched my world in Niceville fall apart). Much to my disgust, I got my answer... August 2nd! Ugh, yesterday I hated the idea of it but now I am interested see what is in store for me cause I feel like another piece of me/my future is about to be revealed.

Sunday in service the main line of the sermon was "What you do in times of desperation will determine your destination." At the time I was focused on a friend and helping her in her time of desperation, but what I didn't realize was that I am in one right now. But I am on the other side of it. I am not alone in the cave of Adullam! I have gotten past that part and now God has led others who are hurting to me and I am developing my army! kinda lol. Well, that is what happened to David but you get what I mean.

Anyways I just felt like posting cause I haven't in a while.

I found peace again. The perfect ending to the worst week! Thank God!

christina nicole

....I am amazed

So today, I had three things happen that just truly blessed me! First of all, Matt and Rita found an apartment in Tampa! Yay! That is one less stresser (ok, well maybe not for me but still). I also talked to my roommate for the first time today! I finally got up the courage to text her and we talked for a little while and found each other on facebook! I am actually really excited to get to know her... she seems really cool!

Finally, actually I think this happened first in my day but still. Today at work I had this woman come through my line. She was a little bit bigger and had had some sort of surgery recently so she asked me to use paper bags and fill them lightly. She also needed assistance to her car. Seeing that I was in no-man's land at register 1 I of course had no bagger. Under normal circumstances her requests usually would have been an annoyance, but she was so nice about it and kept apologizing and I actually didn't mind. Anyways, as we were talking she asked me about school and stuff, and when I told her I was studying music education and missions, she went on to ask me about where I went to church. Well after the conversation had kind of died down and I was nearing the end of her order she handed me a $20 bill and made me promise that I would use it for school books and stuff! I was soooo shocked! Partly, because this complete stranger was giving me money and trusting me, but also because this past week I have been praying about my finances because I have found out that I am $5000 short of paying for my first year of college. I seriously could not believe it and I still can't! I have been on cloud nine since then because it is just like I saw God today (I know that sounds corny) lol. No, i didn't see "God" but I saw him use someone else to bless me! and it was kind of a reassurance to me that he will take care of it all!

Oh! I also am approximately 59 days away from moving! I have been working my way through Matthew, but I kind of am looking for something that will take me the rest of the time until I go to school! If I had thought about it sooner I would have read Psalms or Proverbs but its a little late for that now. haha

well, I am out for now! I hope everyone is having an amazing week despite the oil reaching our beautiful beaches :(

christina nicole
Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"

... I can find a friend.

Tonight I had an intense talk with my best friend and it only made me realize how much love I have for this person. This person means more to me than I thought and it took a church service this morning to realize just how much he means to me. This morning we talked about friendship and what it means to be a friend. The example that they used was the friendship between David and Jonathan... two of the most unlikely people to be friends but what really hit me is that "an immediate bond was forged between them" by God. Another version I have says that "Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself." (1 Samuel 18:1)

David: the man God appointed to be King of Israel
Jonathan: the heir to the throne

David became closer than a brother to Jonathan and he did anything to protect him... even though David would take the throne and Jonathan would STILL be second in command, only not to his family, but to a Shepard boy from Bethlehem (which at the time was a very lowly city).

so what is a friend?

1.) a friend realizes the challenges in that relationship. They don't run away from them, or try to act like they don't exist. They tackle them head on TOGETHER and work through them in order to figure out how to make the friendship work no matter what! challenges can also be conflict. Conflict has to be dealt with. and you know what! I don't care what anyone says, conflict is healthy for any relationship! But it can serve two purposes... it can destroy or it can establish an even stronger bond.

2.) a friend is committed to you. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO! a friend stays put and says "I don't care what you do, or where you go - I will still love you, and I will still stand here!"

3.) a friend protects you. Whether you want your friend there or not, a friend will get involved in your battles and head up the army so that you don't have to fight alone!

4.) a friend will not let you abandon your dreams! They are there to remind you of your dreams, to help you get back on track when you loose your focus. One of my favorite quotes is "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words!" I feel like this says everything, at least to me! A true friend knows you inside and out and won't let you forget your desires and won't let you give up!

5.)finally... a friend is a friend for life. Did you hear me! I said FOR LIFE! You can't get rid of me! I am hear for good. David and Jonathan faced so many trials that could have easily ripped them apart... they spent years apart from each other, but yet they still remained friends until the end when Jonathan was killed in battle. and You hear David speak about their relationship in 2 Samuel, about how important Jonathan meant to him! Proverbs 17:17a says "Friends love through all kinds of weather!"

Proverbs 18:24 "Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family."

Now, by no means did I come up with any of this, but I did find this interesting. This is the THIRD time I have encountered this story and "friendship" since Wednesday. So I really wanted to take the time to think about it. I'm not one who has a lot of "friends" I have a lot of acquaintances but as far as people who will keep up with me after I leave Niceville, I could probably count them on 2 hands (which is much better than it used to be). And then the conversations I have had today, it just blows my mind! I have a new developing friendship with someone I haven't seen in years, but they actually seem to genuinely care and I don't understand why! I have an engaged couple... that enjoys my company! and I have the best friend that anyone could ever ask for! Don't get me wrong, I have many other people that mean so very much to me but these four people have really been on my mind the past few days. These four people and my bizarre friendships with them. But, for now I have one that needs a little reminder of why we are friends. So if David and Jonathan are the "biblical example" here goes everything... total vulnerability. this is for my best friend!

1.) A friend realizes the challenges/conflicts. Did You know that we have never not resolved a conflict! and none of them have ever ended badly! Did you also realize that we are polar opposites when it comes to personality but yet somehow it still works. Yeah, I go out with big groups, but guess what you sacrifice too. You step away sometimes to come watch a movie with me cause I don't want to be with a bunch of people, and you will go inside Dairy Queen and eat a blizzard with me so that I can be a foolish little girl for 5 minutes.

2.) A friend is committed to you no matter what! Alright, guess what you tried to get rid of me because you thought it would be better for me, but you know what It didn't work! Remember when you also helped me through all my other broken relationships despite fears of your own about ours!

3.) A friend protects you. Dude, you have been leading the army in like 90% of my battles! You are the one to get heated because such and such said this or did this to me. when I just tried to take it and hold everything in, you were the one standing there saying "Its okay to go talk to them about it!" well maybe not exactly like that but still you get what I mean.

4.) A friend will not let you abandon your dreams. Alright, seriously now think about me when I met you. I honestly did not think I could sing or could ever make it in any music career. You helped me find the strength to keep going. You were the first one to hear my songs, and you encourage me to keep writing! and guess what you are the only one with a song dedicated to them! oh and by the way, I still credit you as part of the reason I got my solo in Show Choir this year. Then with everything with ministry and trying to find where I fit into the mold, you were always there. ALWAYS! even when I said I want to be a freaking missionary! I told you I wanted to endanger my life to love others... I believe those were my exact words too haha. You told me I could do it! oh, and don't forget that I hated myself when you first met me! and had no self-confidence until about 6 months ago. Granted that wasn't all you, but without a little bit of help, some positive words to hold onto I wouldn't be where I stand right now, and I definitely would not be about to risk everything to study Music and Missions. Come on now, do you know me at all!

5.) Finally, a friend is a friend for life. As much as I know you don't believe me on this one I know it is true. Our friendship might change some but never will it die or go away. There is too much between us.

You know this isn't where I planned this to go. But sometimes it isn't about the crowd but it is about reaching the one. and if I can't reach the person that means the most to me right now, then how can expect to reach anyone else! I have to try to show you that it isn't one sided and if it means proclaiming to the world what our friendship means to me... so be it! I don't give up and I know you don't either. There is so much on the other side that you and I can't see! Just remember, I have been given white Puerto Rican blood now! :) "a true friend sticks to you like family!"

While the second half of this post was kind of intended for one person, my challenge to you is to examine the friendships in your life. What are they like, what could be better! and what can you do to better the other person's view of the relationship. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I am doing for my best friend that I forget to stop and look at what he is doing for me! How he has impacted my life and what my life would be like without him!

As corny as this sounds, for close to 3 years I prayed for a friend...
... and I got so much more than I ever expected!

love
christina nicole
Proverbs 18:24

here by the water...

to me "here by the water" is something deeper than I have ever known. I have been blessed to live 20 min away from the gulf of mexico my entire life and the water is something that I have always connected with, somewhere where I always connect with God. Whether it be on the beach, looking over the bay, or a pond, or just dancing in the rain, somewhere I always find him, when I am... here by the water. so in a way "here by the water" represents my relationship with God and it is where I feel closest to him.

Before I write out the song, I kind of need to explain it. I already explained the water thing, but this song is about a relationship. I have been reading this book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and it really has turned my world upside down. It talks about how we are supposed to love God and how God shows us he loves us, and the kind of relationship God desires with us! It really is amazing! But anyways, when I talk about God I talk about the relationship aspect of it all first! For me, it is so important to know that he is just like a human man... well kinda. But he is also just like a woman, after all, he did create us in his image. He longs to be desired, wants us to be thinking about him, talking to him, but he is still strong, a protector, and the greatest teacher. But a lot of people miss the tender side of the relationship, the intimacy between God and well in this case... me. I will try to put up a recording later but for now, here is my newest song. oh and by the way, it is two voices. Everything in parenthesis is the "God figure."

"Here By the Water"
by christina nicole

I can't feel you all the time
(I'm here listen for my voice)
I can't see what's up ahead
am I really safe from harm (follow me you're safe from harm)
I can't let Go (Just let Go)
of the fear I have inside
How can I know if you are here with me (I am Here)
here by the water

(won't you let me
show you how to live
show you how to love
I wanna be on your mind tonight
I wanna be yours
So won't you stay and dance with me
I'll teach you how to sing and be free
I wanna be all you ever need
I wanna be yours
Here by the water)

I'm listening, I'm here by the water
No reflection, to show where I stand
I need you to show me
take my hand and lead me
through this land of shifting sand

(I'm here by the water, I'm holding you close
my words come with the wind, are you listening
take my hand and I will lead
we'll go through this together
let my light show you what to see)

Lord I'm cryin'
Show me how to live
won't you show me how to love
I wanna see you in my reflection
I wanna be yours
so won't you show me how to dance
and teach me how to sing
I wanna be wrapped up in your arms
I wanna be yours
here by the water

when the waves crash all around me
I know I'm safe in your arms
When the oceans growing hungry
I know you won't let go

I'll take a leap of faith, I'll stand with you today
my life's worth living cause you never even step away
I'm growing stronger too, because my love in you
here in the water where I'm learning all that I can do

Lord I'm cryin' (won't you let me)
Show me how to live (show you how to live)
won't you show me how to love (show you how to love)
I wanna be on your mind tonight (I wanna be on your mind tonight)
I wanna be yours (I wanna be yours)
so won't you show me how to dance (i'll teach you how to dance)
and teach me how to sing (how to sing and be free)
I wanna be wrapped up in your arms
(I wanna be all you ever need)
I wanna be yours (I wanna be yours)
here by the water

christina nicole
Matthew 11:27-30

...I'm being different.

So, I started trying to think of a creative way to say Hello. I looked up all sorts of different languages but nothing really stuck out to me. So... Hi! my name is Christina but I have always been Cricket since I can remember.

A little about me: I LOVE music! I live, sleep, eat, breathe, music! and one day I am determined to at least be able to play most instruments! Music is such an outlet for emotions kept up inside of you and I can't express how much joy it brings! But of course while I love music, my main passion is expressing to others my love for my God especially through my music.

"I am about to burst with song; I can't keep quiet about you.God, my God, I can't thank you enough!" Psalm 30:12

While music is my passion and I am "studying" music in school, I want to go into missions. There I said it... I want to be a missionary. Wow! that feels good to say, so congrats on being the first to hear that.

So why is this entitled, "I'm being different?" Well, at first I always said that I would never blog because... EVERYONE does it! Okay not everyone, but as I was reading one of my friends' blogs I realized, everyone has their own things to say, and no one says the same thing quite the same. So whether one person reads this or a thousand people read this, I have something to say, and I know of at least one person who thinks it is important :) so here I am... I am being different, but what does that mean. Romans 12:2 says "Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God, You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." So the question I ask is how am I being different, or how are you different?

Think about it... how many people are actually okay with not fitting in?

...with "being different"

christina nicole
Romans 12:1-2