...I'm amazed

Not going to lie. Sometimes life just sucks and this is one of those times. Broke up with someone because spiritually it didn't feel right, I am alone, I pretty much hate my job, I have almost no money, not sure if I can go back to school in the fall and feel like i am utterly loosing this spirituality battle. Tonight just broke my spirit. Don't know why being around certain things really hurt me tonight but everything that was said just really stuck with me. If you can talk about strangers... what do you say about me when I'm not there?

Anyways, I'm not writing this as a pity party. I came home and decided to talk to someone I am learning to care a lot about. Sometimes I feel like I really missed my chance to get to know this person, this really amazing person but I am thankful for what I have... no matter how weird the conversations sometimes are. I also turned on some music just to help me calm down. The two of these really just started to break down some walls. Walls I honestly didn't even know were back up again. I felt something, just a little something but I consider that a win. Then the song "Amazed" came on. Don't know why this song touches me so much but it has always been a favorite of mine.

"AMAZED"

"You Dance over me, While I am unaware.

You sing all around, but I never hear the sound.

Lord I'm amazed by you.

Lord I'm amazed by you.

Lord I'm amazed by you

How you love me.

You paint the morning skies, with miracles in mind.

My hope will always stand, for you hold me in your hands

Lord I'm amazed by you.

Lord I'm amazed by you.

Lord I'm amazed by you

How you love me.

How Wide

How Deep

How Great

Is your Love for me"

If you know me at all, the first verse is what gets me. "You dance over me, while I am unaware. You sing all around, but I never here the sound." I feel like this is my relationship with God. I have danced and sang since I can remember and I don't think my life could exist without either one. The thing is that when I am upset or just loving on my Daddy it is these two things that help me the most. I dance, even though I don't feel like he sees me, I sing even though I don't feel as though hears me... but I know he does. In the same way he does the same to me, but I am so oblivious and taken by a life that really doesn't matter to stop and notice. Just to stop and sing and dance with the only one that matters.

Next the song builds into the Chorus which is 4 lines, 3 of which are the same!

Lord I'm amazed by you.

Lord I'm amazed by you.

Lord I'm amazed by you,

How you love me!

This affects me in a way that only music majors may understand. Haha! Leave it to me to bring my nerdiness into my relationship with God. This was one of the first songs I ever learned how to sing harmony to and I remember it so well. The harmonies on the chorus build to create an amazing relationship. Each "Lord I am amazed" has it's own chords, it's own melodic line, and own harmony. It is all similar, but yet still individual. I feel like my growth and change is the harmonic line and the chords. God is the constant melody. Each line can represent my growth, because it is still built off of the same thing, but it is just slightly different.

I don't know where this is coming from but just something to think about. Thinking is good right?

I am in total awe right now - It is a feeling I haven't had in a while... It's a good thing.

Right now I can truly say...

"Lord I'm Amazed by you!"

christina nicole

Psalm 30:12

...I'm singing

I have been telling myself I was going to get back on here for about a month, but I am a procrastinator and it definitely didn't happen! So my last post was slightly depressing but I feel like we all go through those times... especially while in college, spending a ton of money. So here is the update:

I did not apply or audition at Florida State - yes I chickened out but I really think SEU is right for me

I am the president-elect of CMENC (the music educator's club at Southeastern) and will be president starting in the spring for 3 semesters. Not gonna lie, this one scares me a little bit.

I passed all my classes this semester but I did not do as well as I wanted to.

I am now a gaming associate at Best Buy and actually doing a good job at it!

If all of my financial aid comes through then my next two semesters are covered :))))

I started dancing again!

I am reading 3 books: Eldest, Captivating, and Stupid and Contagious.

I started writing music again - except I am using all my new music theory knowledge.

My procrastination somehow led to me getting an HTC Inspire for free! lol

My love life has been temporarily put on hold because I am realizing that I am too focused on other things right now. Or at least I need to be. Someone has recently walked into my life an rocked my world but I am trying not to think on it too much.

Oh and I am training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon! This is probably one of my favorite things right now.

Okay, so anyways the real reason I am blogging tonight is music... as usual. Last week I started writing a song, but it was purely experimental. I wanted to prove to myself that I could apply what I learned this past year in theory to my music. I started writing using different chords and different vocal techniques just for fun and it really pulled together quite nicely. I finished it of course but the second verse was on my phone. Well I sent my phone in for service and forgot the get the lyrics off of my phone first... so they are gone. After work tonight I realized this and was slightly bummed! BUT... As I was looking over the lyrics already and reading through Psalms I realized that I used the same patterns and the same main phrase as my first song I ever wrote. I pulled it out and somehow the two actually mesh! It is kind of cool because I purposely did not chords to the first song hoping that when I understood music better and how chords work together I could write a song that didn't sound like everything else. My mind has been completely blown and I am working on how to make them work better but I will try to post the lyrics later today or tomorrow sometime!

Listen to my heart sing...

christina nicole written: Beach Freak 08'

Sing out the words from your heart

Bring forth the songs from the choir

Let the music play from all those young and all those old

hear the voices sing your praise out loud

watch the nations all begin to dance

as the earth begins to fill with joy and shout your name

Oh God you're always there

you're all I really need

Hear my heart sing

Oh God just be the one

take all the rejection

this is my one and only plea

Just listen to my heart sing

Listen to my heart sing

christina nicole

...I can finally breathe

So this semester has been complete insanity! It is already midterms and I have no idea what I have accomplished this semester... oh except the chromatic 2 octave scale on the clarinet!! That is my most recent music ed accomplishment as of 30 minutes ago :)

Lately, I can't tell where I am going or what I am supposed to do (big surprise right?) I know music ed is right but is Southeastern? I think so, I think I am just very stressed out and being pushed to my limits. FSU was an idea but then my audition opportunity closed very quickly. My question is... God if you want me here, why? What can I do to make the Music Ed program a little bit more accomplish-able! I think I need to get away from Lakeland and go do something! Even if it is just a few hours-I need to clear my head.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it." - Mary Engelbreit

My goal right now: to get back on top of things and give myself some creative freedom! I am so stuck in Music Education land that I have forgotten what it is like to sit and draw for a few hours, or sit at the piano and just write... Without stupid rules! I need to get away from the lakes and go see the Beach! That is one thing that I miss a lot right now. Niceville is 20 minutes from the beach or 5 minutes from the bay. Here I am at least an hour away from the beach and I am surrounded by lakes... they are very uninspiring to me because I can see the end. I want to be able to sit and just stare at how huge the world really is.

I want to stare and see how big God really is!

Christina Nicole

...I'm finding who I am

HELLO 2011!
Okay so I am a few days late but I haven't written in a while either. In the past month I hit rock bottom with Jesus, I let a guy completely consume my mind - and for some reason he is still there but I think I at least have it handled now, OH and I got a new tattoo. Well, I think I am beginning to find myself in Christ again. It has been a rough journey from the bottom of the pits of December but I making it. I tried to live my life for Christ in order to impress my friends and a boy and ended up not living for Jesus at all. EPIC FAIL! New year, new commitment. I have been reading for me. Nobody knows what I have been reading and I haven't discussed with anyone. Because this year is about me, about my relationship with my creator, my lover, my savior. Starting the year by reading, "Captivating." I have tried a few times to read it but I don't think I was quite ready for it before. I am talking it slow but it just feels right now. I don't know where God is taking me but I know for sure it is away from my safe shelter of "I'm one of the guys." It is a year for change, I feel it coming, but I am finally ready for it.