“I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean. I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you."

Ezekiel 36:25 (The Message//Remix)

Friday, August 20, 2010

... I can learn to be me

So recently one of my dearest friends lost her grandfather and it brought back so many memories of my grandpa. I tried not to think about it cause I was with here and her family to be with them and help in whatever way I could... but I couldn't help it. My "papaw" as we called him was the one person who loved me for everything I was, and I know he is up in heaven and watching me grow into who I want to be. Papaw was never someone I had to impress, and I never felt that I had to earn his love. He was always there with open arms, always asking about what I was doing and he showed me that he cared about everything I did! I was in 2nd grade when he passed and I remember all of this. It blows me away. He was/is the one person that I don't feel like I have to impress and as crazy as it sounds I heard him last night. We were driving down to Tampa and I was just restless so I started praying and I just kinda said "God I need to talk to Grandpa for a minute" and I know it sounds crazy but he was there, I know he was, and even if it was God all I could here was "I am so incredibly proud of you!" I just needed to hear it from someone... anyways the purpose of this blog wasn't to make you go "aww poor Cricket" but it is more of a reassurance to myself. It's the beginning of stepping over my past stumbling block. I'm beginning to realize that I can't live in the past, I have to move on, and I have to learn to be me! It's a long road but I have someone who knows all the answers :)

I have to move on
I have to stand on my own two feet
I can’t continue to live in my fears
I have to move on, beyond you and me

I’m sorry it just can’t be any other way
I will always love you
But for now I have to move on
I have to learn to be me

I will never be perfect
And the hurts I have gained may never go away
But I can learn to forgive
I’ll get there someday

I’m sorry that it just can’t be any other way
Remember I will always love you
I have to go on and leave this be
I have to move on and learn to be me.

I can’t turn back time
And I can’t make you change
I hope one day you learn
that you can't change me, this is who I want to be

but for now just remember I'm sorry
sorry that it can never work
that I can’t be there and I can't be perfect
I’ll learn to live and I’ll learn to cope

I have to live my own life
Turn my world inside out
And stop living in my past
I have to stand up
I have to move on
I have to learn to just be me

Christina Nicole

Friday, August 6, 2010

... I can watch it all happen.

So I finally moved in with Matt and Rita in Tampa. It's odd cause I feel in the way sometimes but what was awesome was getting to spend time with their families. Especially Rita's! I can't help but feel loved when I am around them. I have been blessed with a very dysfunctional family (don't get me wrong it isn't easy but I love them all the same) and now I somehow have become apart of something I have never deserved! This weekend first of all they let me carpool with them... doesn't seem like a lot to most but it was just the start. Then for the second time they paid for all my meals and Mama Dailey even bought me a magnet from the Florida Aquarium Today. So maybe it doesn't mean a lot to anyone else but to be apart of something that functions, something that isn't falling apart somehow helps to put me back together.

Here are some of the things I observed this weekend. #1 Devin and Rita's relationship. Probably one of the relationships I am most jealous of. Not only do they love each other, but they have pride in the other one. And even though they joke and stuff they both care a lot. One of my favorite parts of this week was definitely hanging out with Devin while Rita was at Orientation. All day you could hear how proud of his sister he was. We toured the arts department and just talked while running errands but a good bit of our conversations ended up on the subject of her. And then when we all were in the car together he was asking questions about what classes she was taking and other stuff to do with her school... he cared enough to ask, he wanted to know EVERYTHING. I have never seen that before and most definitely have not experienced it. Something I hope to one day find.

Then her mom and dad. Always making sure I was there. Always making sure that my allergies weren't bothering me, or that I could find something to eat at the restaurant no matter the cost. Then there was one time I looked up at dinner and her Dad was looking at me and smiling. I have no idea why or even if he was smiling at me but I just had a warm feeling. I watched them look over their kids and talked with them and everything just dripped love...

I don't really know what all of this means or why I felt like writing about this, but something inside me can't help but smile when I think about it... more to come in the next few days!

"Let Love be the only thing they can see"

Christina Nicole