Sunday, June 17, 2012
Most have heard Psalm 46:10
"Be still and know that I am God"
This can be comforting at times but for the vast majority of us this phrase drives us nuts!
God whispers: "Be Still!"
Our Response: "Excuse me? Do you know what I have to get done?"
We then begin to throw our list of worldly things at God. About 5 or 6 items later we begin to question our insanity because we are "wasting" time telling the God of the universe what needs to be done, despite the fact that he already knows.
Well for the past few weeks, this was the only message I kept receiving. I was in the midst of stress and a short span of time to make decisions and the only help I got was "be still!" AHHHHHH! Seriously thought I was going to die. Well, good news... I didn't and I made a decision. I am now home for a while and could not be more thrilled about it. God is working in me and through people I never would have imagined. I am learning that I have healed more than I realized and that I am ready to give it all. I am ready to go and hit the front lines. The difference is that I have learned that I am not fighting for my sake, nor on my strength. I am building my fortress on the rock which cannot be moved.
The point is that being still doesn't have to be impossible.
Today's topic: food
So my church is all about food. We strongly believe in Food fellowship and I can promise you that it works. All throughout the bible Jesus had some his must vulnerable times with people over a meal. For some reason food just brings us together.
I got to see this last week at Summerscape (our youth church camp).
Friendships were created because one kid happened to sit next to another. This was so cool to watch because Monday night at dinner the room looked like little pods of kids everywhere but by the end of the week these pods had become full tables. It was just really cool to see since our camp was about fighting as one.
God has been working in me lately (well, he is always working in my life... I'm just being observant) and for some reason food just seems to be everywhere. I will admit that I tend to forget to eat or I just don't eat well, but when I do eat with somebody I learn so much more about them. I go to my mom's house to bake some random dessert with her, I go to dinner with the college group, I eat after work with a friend. It doesn't matter what it is or with whom I am eating, I am learning all the time about the people around me. I just wonder what it is about food that brings down walls. For instance, first date? 90% of the time you go out to dinner and spend the evening getting to know one another.
So anyways, God time over (maybe)... So my mom started this baking blog and you all should check it out. She is phenomenal at baking and half the time she just makes it up as she goes.
Well, Winshape camp for communities starts in the AM so I am peacing out! More to come soon, and hopefully an update on the internship and Atlanta. Oh! So I am now, 70 days away from going to Atlanta! What?!
"And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers."
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Until my team blog gets set up I will be using this site to keep updates on my trip and such. As of right now this is what I know. My goal is to reach the everyday people that still need to know who God is and the love he brings. I will be working with churches to do homeless outreach and other projects. Teaching women skills to help them find jobs and take care of their children. Working in an internet cafe helping immigrants adjust to American culture and get jobs, and finally tutoring elementary and middle school students after school. Something God has really placed on my heart is the importance of actions. Through my current job especially God has shown more than once that by acting with God's love he presents the time and opportunity to talk about him. More to come soon!
"Love God. Love your neighbor as yourself."
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Anything and Everything
Friday, January 6, 2012
I did not attend Passion but I assure you my heart was there and my ears heard what God had planned for me. For me, I heard these things (I did not get to see everything) God sent Christ and Christ sent us to finish his work. Christ sent us to be interrupted throughout our normal everyday things. We must embrace those interruptions with the full love of God. He did not turn away the woman who suffered from bleeding, he stopped, spoke with her, and healed her all before going back to what he was doing. What was amazing was how much this woman had to sacrifice to go. She had to bring out into public what was considered to be unclean, then she had to admit it to everyone, and fall before Jesus’ feet in front of everyone. With faith this woman came before God knowing how the public viewed her, and knowing that she could make Jesus “unclean” but she was healed for her faith. Seriously go read it. It is Luke 8: 40-54. Jesus allowed himself to be interrupted and he is calling us to do just that.
Anything and Everything
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Do you ever feel like there is nowhere to run, no one to talk to, no place to feel safe, and just be yourself? Ever feel like the only way to fit in is be something you aren’t, to degrade everything you have built up inside of you to absolutely nothing just to believe that someone kind of enjoys your company.
Is it ok to have faith in something I can only feel, something beyond what I can see, something that others may not think is real? Is it ok to have hope for tomorrow, for a time in which I haven’t foreseen, is it really ok if my hope reaches things people just don’t understand? And what does it mean to love? Is it alright for me to love someone I have never met, someone that I have never seen, someone that maybe despises me? If love is all we need then why am I stranger to love? If love is what the world desires then why am I the freak because I can love unconditionally? Isn’t that what I am called to do, to love all with a love no one else can understand? To have faith in a love that maybe doesn’t exist, and hope that maybe others will see me show them that love?
Faith, hope, and love – that is all that is left… but what does it all really mean? To an outsider where can my heart be? To someone who just doesn’t get me am I the outsider, am I the freak, the one who means almost nothing! I want to reach the others I want them to see me for who I am, I want to be innocent and free, I want to have love overflowing from me. No pain or jealousy, rage or doubt, I want to be free living in peace and joy, beyond what may come tomorrow, beyond everything I may not know. I want to be love, and I want to be loved, but not just any love, I want to be unconditionally loved.
If I worry though, how will that love every reach me? Cause fear and worry reject the love bouncing toward me. For fear feeds from loneliness, which is not of my lover. I know I can depend on Him for anything and that I will always be loved. Even in times when all others tell me no, shove my name around, and complete the madness with hate, I know that love can always be found. I know that my name will always be called out with a gift to be sought out. A gift that no other can comprehend, because it is for me! Specifically and wonderfully made just for me.
Not saying that love is just for me! But love is shown in so many ways, and when my lover calls out my name it is my brand of love that he is reaching out with! Because I have loved in his name and sought out the needy and hurting I will always be loved abundantly. Because I have held my faith and hope out on a string for the world to see and take bites at I will always be fulfilled to my wildest dreams. And its because I dream big, that my savior is there to catch me!
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:6-8a)
Love can be seen, love can be shown, it’s something this world desperately needs to know. I may not encompass all that love has to offer but I know that if I am a willing vessel that God will shine his love through me. Let a prayer from so many years ago be my prayer again every day that I breathe. Cause I am not here walking for me. I am just a piece of God’s day, I am but a pixel in the image he sees. The fear I may have known can walk straight through that door, because love and fear cannot exist in this place. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18).
God make me whole. make me clean. Teach me to see more than what my mere eyes can see. Cause Love is the need, and I need to be able to feed. Love for myself, so I can see me, for who I am, for who you are making me to be. And love for those around me, I will speak the words you speak. Let me be the house where you can shine your light, cause I am done with this world, I am setting my eyes on the prize. I cannot follow this place, but I’m here for your purpose. I am here for today, I mean nothing, but I am everything to you because I am yours. I rejoice in your truth, for it’s in you I am free. Free to stand for your Name, free dance and praise.
So once again I pray, this time for my sisters and brothers in Christ. May we all be a light to those who can’t see. May we all be the fruit for those hungry for the everlasting tree. Learn to give more than receive. Learn to be less than this world thinks we should be. Learn to be free, learn to be totally wrapped up in a savior we can’t see, but have the faith to believe. Let go, let live, learn to die everyday, for the sake of the cross. I freely give my everything… for the sake of unconditional love.
Anything and Everything
Anything and Everything
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Lately, I can't tell where I am going or what I am supposed to do (big surprise right?) I know music ed is right but is Southeastern? I think so, I think I am just very stressed out and being pushed to my limits. FSU was an idea but then my audition opportunity closed very quickly. My question is... God if you want me here, why? What can I do to make the Music Ed program a little bit more accomplish-able! I think I need to get away from Lakeland and go do something! Even if it is just a few hours-I need to clear my head.
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it." - Mary Engelbreit
My goal right now: to get back on top of things and give myself some creative freedom! I am so stuck in Music Education land that I have forgotten what it is like to sit and draw for a few hours, or sit at the piano and just write... Without stupid rules! I need to get away from the lakes and go see the Beach! That is one thing that I miss a lot right now. Niceville is 20 minutes from the beach or 5 minutes from the bay. Here I am at least an hour away from the beach and I am surrounded by lakes... they are very uninspiring to me because I can see the end. I want to be able to sit and just stare at how huge the world really is.
I want to stare and see how big God really is!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Okay so I am a few days late but I haven't written in a while either. In the past month I hit rock bottom with Jesus, I let a guy completely consume my mind - and for some reason he is still there but I think I at least have it handled now, OH and I got a new tattoo. Well, I think I am beginning to find myself in Christ again. It has been a rough journey from the bottom of the pits of December but I making it. I tried to live my life for Christ in order to impress my friends and a boy and ended up not living for Jesus at all. EPIC FAIL! New year, new commitment. I have been reading for me. Nobody knows what I have been reading and I haven't discussed with anyone. Because this year is about me, about my relationship with my creator, my lover, my savior. Starting the year by reading, "Captivating." I have tried a few times to read it but I don't think I was quite ready for it before. I am talking it slow but it just feels right now. I don't know where God is taking me but I know for sure it is away from my safe shelter of "I'm one of the guys." It is a year for change, I feel it coming, but I am finally ready for it.
Monday, September 20, 2010
One wave knocks me down another
comes and keeps me under
I'm finding it hard to find
a place to breathe
a moment of air, of freedom, of peace.
A letter is a piece of paper so why
does it determine my future
how can something so small and so
ordinary possibly decide my fate of six
months in the future.
This is about how I feel right now. I am incredibly lost and confused about what might happen when I mail off my letter tomorrow. I just pray God will keep watch over it and provide the people who will review my case with the wisdom to make the correct decision. I can't sleep, I keep giving myself asthma attacks from stress, and I am beginning to start getting sick - like my stomach. I just need this to be done soon. I really need to find my peace and quite time. I need my oboe to get here now... maybe the music will help me sort through my jumbled thoughts...
I guess what I am saying is I
just need a friend. I just
need a hand from someone
looking in. I know there is light
out there somewhere, I have seen
it all before, but for now it just the
dark of night holding me tight.
I know you'll find me, if I just can
focus on what I need. If I just can focus
on the purpose for which I am sitting here.
There has to be something, that I
am not seeing. Something beyond this last
wave crashing over and pushing me away from
all those who see.
ps. I decided that I am facing my fears and I am going to enter a song or two into a songwriters contest. Also my school has an arts contest that I am going to make a music video for... Those of you who have read/heard my music do ya'll have any suggestions on which ones I should use/think about using.
love you all!
Friday, August 20, 2010
I have to move on
I have to stand on my own two feet
I can’t continue to live in my fears
I have to move on, beyond you and me
I’m sorry it just can’t be any other way
I will always love you
But for now I have to move on
I have to learn to be me
I will never be perfect
And the hurts I have gained may never go away
But I can learn to forgive
I’ll get there someday
I’m sorry that it just can’t be any other way
Remember I will always love you
I have to go on and leave this be
I have to move on and learn to be me.
I can’t turn back time
And I can’t make you change
I hope one day you learn
that you can't change me, this is who I want to be
but for now just remember I'm sorry
sorry that it can never work
that I can’t be there and I can't be perfect
I’ll learn to live and I’ll learn to cope
I have to live my own life
Turn my world inside out
And stop living in my past
I have to stand up
I have to move on
I have to learn to just be me
Friday, August 6, 2010
Here are some of the things I observed this weekend. #1 Devin and Rita's relationship. Probably one of the relationships I am most jealous of. Not only do they love each other, but they have pride in the other one. And even though they joke and stuff they both care a lot. One of my favorite parts of this week was definitely hanging out with Devin while Rita was at Orientation. All day you could hear how proud of his sister he was. We toured the arts department and just talked while running errands but a good bit of our conversations ended up on the subject of her. And then when we all were in the car together he was asking questions about what classes she was taking and other stuff to do with her school... he cared enough to ask, he wanted to know EVERYTHING. I have never seen that before and most definitely have not experienced it. Something I hope to one day find.
Then her mom and dad. Always making sure I was there. Always making sure that my allergies weren't bothering me, or that I could find something to eat at the restaurant no matter the cost. Then there was one time I looked up at dinner and her Dad was looking at me and smiling. I have no idea why or even if he was smiling at me but I just had a warm feeling. I watched them look over their kids and talked with them and everything just dripped love...
I don't really know what all of this means or why I felt like writing about this, but something inside me can't help but smile when I think about it... more to come in the next few days!
"Let Love be the only thing they can see"
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Also, with the whole moving thing I had two dates in my head. Aug 2nd and July 20th. I have been trying to decide which day and really praying about(as I watched my world in Niceville fall apart). Much to my disgust, I got my answer... August 2nd! Ugh, yesterday I hated the idea of it but now I am interested see what is in store for me cause I feel like another piece of me/my future is about to be revealed.
Sunday in service the main line of the sermon was "What you do in times of desperation will determine your destination." At the time I was focused on a friend and helping her in her time of desperation, but what I didn't realize was that I am in one right now. But I am on the other side of it. I am not alone in the cave of Adullam! I have gotten past that part and now God has led others who are hurting to me and I am developing my army! kinda lol. Well, that is what happened to David but you get what I mean.
Anyways I just felt like posting cause I haven't in a while.
I found peace again. The perfect ending to the worst week! Thank God!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Finally, actually I think this happened first in my day but still. Today at work I had this woman come through my line. She was a little bit bigger and had had some sort of surgery recently so she asked me to use paper bags and fill them lightly. She also needed assistance to her car. Seeing that I was in no-man's land at register 1 I of course had no bagger. Under normal circumstances her requests usually would have been an annoyance, but she was so nice about it and kept apologizing and I actually didn't mind. Anyways, as we were talking she asked me about school and stuff, and when I told her I was studying music education and missions, she went on to ask me about where I went to church. Well after the conversation had kind of died down and I was nearing the end of her order she handed me a $20 bill and made me promise that I would use it for school books and stuff! I was soooo shocked! Partly, because this complete stranger was giving me money and trusting me, but also because this past week I have been praying about my finances because I have found out that I am $5000 short of paying for my first year of college. I seriously could not believe it and I still can't! I have been on cloud nine since then because it is just like I saw God today (I know that sounds corny) lol. No, i didn't see "God" but I saw him use someone else to bless me! and it was kind of a reassurance to me that he will take care of it all!
Oh! I also am approximately 59 days away from moving! I have been working my way through Matthew, but I kind of am looking for something that will take me the rest of the time until I go to school! If I had thought about it sooner I would have read Psalms or Proverbs but its a little late for that now. haha
well, I am out for now! I hope everyone is having an amazing week despite the oil reaching our beautiful beaches :(
Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"
Monday, May 31, 2010
Jonathan: the heir to the throne
David became closer than a brother to Jonathan and he did anything to protect him... even though David would take the throne and Jonathan would STILL be second in command, only not to his family, but to a Shepard boy from Bethlehem (which at the time was a very lowly city).
2.) a friend is committed to you. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO! a friend stays put and says "I don't care what you do, or where you go - I will still love you, and I will still stand here!"
3.) a friend protects you. Whether you want your friend there or not, a friend will get involved in your battles and head up the army so that you don't have to fight alone!
4.) a friend will not let you abandon your dreams! They are there to remind you of your dreams, to help you get back on track when you loose your focus. One of my favorite quotes is "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words!" I feel like this says everything, at least to me! A true friend knows you inside and out and won't let you forget your desires and won't let you give up!
5.)finally... a friend is a friend for life. Did you hear me! I said FOR LIFE! You can't get rid of me! I am hear for good. David and Jonathan faced so many trials that could have easily ripped them apart... they spent years apart from each other, but yet they still remained friends until the end when Jonathan was killed in battle. and You hear David speak about their relationship in 2 Samuel, about how important Jonathan meant to him! Proverbs 17:17a says "Friends love through all kinds of weather!"
Now, by no means did I come up with any of this, but I did find this interesting. This is the THIRD time I have encountered this story and "friendship" since Wednesday. So I really wanted to take the time to think about it. I'm not one who has a lot of "friends" I have a lot of acquaintances but as far as people who will keep up with me after I leave Niceville, I could probably count them on 2 hands (which is much better than it used to be). And then the conversations I have had today, it just blows my mind! I have a new developing friendship with someone I haven't seen in years, but they actually seem to genuinely care and I don't understand why! I have an engaged couple... that enjoys my company! and I have the best friend that anyone could ever ask for! Don't get me wrong, I have many other people that mean so very much to me but these four people have really been on my mind the past few days. These four people and my bizarre friendships with them. But, for now I have one that needs a little reminder of why we are friends. So if David and Jonathan are the "biblical example" here goes everything... total vulnerability. this is for my best friend!
1.) A friend realizes the challenges/conflicts. Did You know that we have never not resolved a conflict! and none of them have ever ended badly! Did you also realize that we are polar opposites when it comes to personality but yet somehow it still works. Yeah, I go out with big groups, but guess what you sacrifice too. You step away sometimes to come watch a movie with me cause I don't want to be with a bunch of people, and you will go inside Dairy Queen and eat a blizzard with me so that I can be a foolish little girl for 5 minutes.
2.) A friend is committed to you no matter what! Alright, guess what you tried to get rid of me because you thought it would be better for me, but you know what It didn't work! Remember when you also helped me through all my other broken relationships despite fears of your own about ours!
3.) A friend protects you. Dude, you have been leading the army in like 90% of my battles! You are the one to get heated because such and such said this or did this to me. when I just tried to take it and hold everything in, you were the one standing there saying "Its okay to go talk to them about it!" well maybe not exactly like that but still you get what I mean.
4.) A friend will not let you abandon your dreams. Alright, seriously now think about me when I met you. I honestly did not think I could sing or could ever make it in any music career. You helped me find the strength to keep going. You were the first one to hear my songs, and you encourage me to keep writing! and guess what you are the only one with a song dedicated to them! oh and by the way, I still credit you as part of the reason I got my solo in Show Choir this year. Then with everything with ministry and trying to find where I fit into the mold, you were always there. ALWAYS! even when I said I want to be a freaking missionary! I told you I wanted to endanger my life to love others... I believe those were my exact words too haha. You told me I could do it! oh, and don't forget that I hated myself when you first met me! and had no self-confidence until about 6 months ago. Granted that wasn't all you, but without a little bit of help, some positive words to hold onto I wouldn't be where I stand right now, and I definitely would not be about to risk everything to study Music and Missions. Come on now, do you know me at all!
5.) Finally, a friend is a friend for life. As much as I know you don't believe me on this one I know it is true. Our friendship might change some but never will it die or go away. There is too much between us.
You know this isn't where I planned this to go. But sometimes it isn't about the crowd but it is about reaching the one. and if I can't reach the person that means the most to me right now, then how can expect to reach anyone else! I have to try to show you that it isn't one sided and if it means proclaiming to the world what our friendship means to me... so be it! I don't give up and I know you don't either. There is so much on the other side that you and I can't see! Just remember, I have been given white Puerto Rican blood now! :) "a true friend sticks to you like family!"
While the second half of this post was kind of intended for one person, my challenge to you is to examine the friendships in your life. What are they like, what could be better! and what can you do to better the other person's view of the relationship. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I am doing for my best friend that I forget to stop and look at what he is doing for me! How he has impacted my life and what my life would be like without him!
... and I got so much more than I ever expected!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Before I write out the song, I kind of need to explain it. I already explained the water thing, but this song is about a relationship. I have been reading this book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and it really has turned my world upside down. It talks about how we are supposed to love God and how God shows us he loves us, and the kind of relationship God desires with us! It really is amazing! But anyways, when I talk about God I talk about the relationship aspect of it all first! For me, it is so important to know that he is just like a human man... well kinda. But he is also just like a woman, after all, he did create us in his image. He longs to be desired, wants us to be thinking about him, talking to him, but he is still strong, a protector, and the greatest teacher. But a lot of people miss the tender side of the relationship, the intimacy between God and well in this case... me. I will try to put up a recording later but for now, here is my newest song. oh and by the way, it is two voices. Everything in parenthesis is the "God figure."
"Here By the Water"
by christina nicole
I can't feel you all the time
(I'm here listen for my voice)
I can't see what's up ahead
am I really safe from harm (follow me you're safe from harm)
I can't let Go (Just let Go)
of the fear I have inside
How can I know if you are here with me (I am Here)
here by the water
(won't you let me
show you how to live
show you how to love
I wanna be on your mind tonight
I wanna be yours
So won't you stay and dance with me
I'll teach you how to sing and be free
I wanna be all you ever need
I wanna be yours
Here by the water)
I'm listening, I'm here by the water
No reflection, to show where I stand
I need you to show me
take my hand and lead me
through this land of shifting sand
(I'm here by the water, I'm holding you close
my words come with the wind, are you listening
take my hand and I will lead
we'll go through this together
let my light show you what to see)
Lord I'm cryin'
Show me how to live
won't you show me how to love
I wanna see you in my reflection
I wanna be yours
so won't you show me how to dance
and teach me how to sing
I wanna be wrapped up in your arms
I wanna be yours
here by the water
when the waves crash all around me
I know I'm safe in your arms
When the oceans growing hungry
I know you won't let go
I'll take a leap of faith, I'll stand with you today
my life's worth living cause you never even step away
I'm growing stronger too, because my love in you
here in the water where I'm learning all that I can do
Lord I'm cryin' (won't you let me)
Show me how to live (show you how to live)
won't you show me how to love (show you how to love)
I wanna be on your mind tonight (I wanna be on your mind tonight)
I wanna be yours (I wanna be yours)
so won't you show me how to dance (i'll teach you how to dance)
and teach me how to sing (how to sing and be free)
I wanna be wrapped up in your arms
(I wanna be all you ever need)
I wanna be yours (I wanna be yours)
here by the water
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A little about me: I LOVE music! I live, sleep, eat, breathe, music! and one day I am determined to at least be able to play most instruments! Music is such an outlet for emotions kept up inside of you and I can't express how much joy it brings! But of course while I love music, my main passion is expressing to others my love for my God especially through my music.
While music is my passion and I am "studying" music in school, I want to go into missions. There I said it... I want to be a missionary. Wow! that feels good to say, so congrats on being the first to hear that.
So why is this entitled, "I'm being different?" Well, at first I always said that I would never blog because... EVERYONE does it! Okay not everyone, but as I was reading one of my friends' blogs I realized, everyone has their own things to say, and no one says the same thing quite the same. So whether one person reads this or a thousand people read this, I have something to say, and I know of at least one person who thinks it is important :) so here I am... I am being different, but what does that mean. Romans 12:2 says "Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God, You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." So the question I ask is how am I being different, or how are you different?
...with "being different"