“I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean. I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you."

Ezekiel 36:25 (The Message//Remix)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I am finding love.

Do you ever feel like there is nowhere to run, no one to talk to, no place to feel safe, and just be yourself? Ever feel like the only way to fit in is be something you aren’t, to degrade everything you have built up inside of you to absolutely nothing just to believe that someone kind of enjoys your company.

Is it ok to have faith in something I can only feel, something beyond what I can see, something that others may not think is real? Is it ok to have hope for tomorrow, for a time in which I haven’t foreseen, is it really ok if my hope reaches things people just don’t understand? And what does it mean to love? Is it alright for me to love someone I have never met, someone that I have never seen, someone that maybe despises me? If love is all we need then why am I stranger to love? If love is what the world desires then why am I the freak because I can love unconditionally? Isn’t that what I am called to do, to love all with a love no one else can understand? To have faith in a love that maybe doesn’t exist, and hope that maybe others will see me show them that love?

Faith, hope, and love – that is all that is left… but what does it all really mean? To an outsider where can my heart be? To someone who just doesn’t get me am I the outsider, am I the freak, the one who means almost nothing! I want to reach the others I want them to see me for who I am, I want to be innocent and free, I want to have love overflowing from me. No pain or jealousy, rage or doubt, I want to be free living in peace and joy, beyond what may come tomorrow, beyond everything I may not know. I want to be love, and I want to be loved, but not just any love, I want to be unconditionally loved.

If I worry though, how will that love every reach me? Cause fear and worry reject the love bouncing toward me. For fear feeds from loneliness, which is not of my lover. I know I can depend on Him for anything and that I will always be loved. Even in times when all others tell me no, shove my name around, and complete the madness with hate, I know that love can always be found. I know that my name will always be called out with a gift to be sought out. A gift that no other can comprehend, because it is for me! Specifically and wonderfully made just for me.

Not saying that love is just for me! But love is shown in so many ways, and when my lover calls out my name it is my brand of love that he is reaching out with! Because I have loved in his name and sought out the needy and hurting I will always be loved abundantly. Because I have held my faith and hope out on a string for the world to see and take bites at I will always be fulfilled to my wildest dreams. And its because I dream big, that my savior is there to catch me!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:6-8a)

Love can be seen, love can be shown, it’s something this world desperately needs to know. I may not encompass all that love has to offer but I know that if I am a willing vessel that God will shine his love through me. Let a prayer from so many years ago be my prayer again every day that I breathe. Cause I am not here walking for me. I am just a piece of God’s day, I am but a pixel in the image he sees. The fear I may have known can walk straight through that door, because love and fear cannot exist in this place. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18).

God make me whole. make me clean. Teach me to see more than what my mere eyes can see. Cause Love is the need, and I need to be able to feed. Love for myself, so I can see me, for who I am, for who you are making me to be. And love for those around me, I will speak the words you speak. Let me be the house where you can shine your light, cause I am done with this world, I am setting my eyes on the prize. I cannot follow this place, but I’m here for your purpose. I am here for today, I mean nothing, but I am everything to you because I am yours. I rejoice in your truth, for it’s in you I am free. Free to stand for your Name, free dance and praise.

So once again I pray, this time for my sisters and brothers in Christ. May we all be a light to those who can’t see. May we all be the fruit for those hungry for the everlasting tree. Learn to give more than receive. Learn to be less than this world thinks we should be. Learn to be free, learn to be totally wrapped up in a savior we can’t see, but have the faith to believe. Let go, let live, learn to die everyday, for the sake of the cross. I freely give my everything… for the sake of unconditional love.

Anything and Everything
Christina Nicole

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